My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.