[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.