You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.