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Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.