Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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I’m already scared
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub