*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
As the Lord intended
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.