I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.