If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?