Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.