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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL