‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
There are no pants in heaven.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*