me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
me before I type out affect or effect
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Just so funny
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.