In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
HOW DARE YOU
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.