My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I hate my earbuds.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere