You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You Might Also Like
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Encore…
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.