[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”