the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.