when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m being attacked 😭
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The pasta is now
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys