[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.