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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?