Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.