me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself