A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage