I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year