if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.