“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.