Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
You Might Also Like
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Kids: Stay in school.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears