Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
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Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.