Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Realize this:
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold