[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
classic mixup
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
A small tragedy.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.