Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”