You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
me: my friends:
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have