Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas