Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee