Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I am all good here, 😂😉