The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.