The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The Assassin.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?