4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters