My blood type is coffee.
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I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
absolutely not
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.