Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.