Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.