Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
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CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.