So that’s what we looked like?
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants