If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
nobody’s gonna understand
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
why am I working on Labor Day
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Has science gone too far?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
O Wise One….