my dad has had enough
You Might Also Like
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.