I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope