OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”