How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.