Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her