My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Camping tip: No.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!